Let’s get personal…

August 25th, 2008 by bitch

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Fuck.  You think you know me but you don’t.  How could you?  I’ve been a total cock tease.  But you don’t know me at all.  So here’s another piece:

Although I’m far from routine and I love change and creation, there’s a certain beauty in efficiency.  I read a LOT of blogs.  And I’ve established a useful routine to quickly get a glimpse at what I’m looking at whenever I check out a blog I haven’t seen before (by the way, leave me a link to yours and I’ll be sure to stop by; the more interesting your comment is, the faster I’ll beat a path to you and whatever it is you offer):

1.  Theme.

Is it navigable?  Is it predictable? (please give me something that sets you apart!)  Do I like the colors or are they, frankly, boring?  What can I tell about you from the header?  (for instance, are you a dime-a-dozen stab-me-in-the-eye-because-you’re-boring-as-hell-when-you-talk-about-that-cute-thing-your-kid-said mommyblogger? I can spot you and your custom header a mile away.  If that’s not you, carry on.)  Is your site cluttered up with every badge and ad known to the universe?

I know you’re proud of your blog, but look at it from the eye of someone who doesn’t care about you.  Like me.

Oh, and if you are still using Blogger, you’re an amateur.  I won’t even mention MySpace (without suppressing my gag reflex).

2.  Writing Quality

Fuck, people, this goes without saying, but…spell-check your fucking posts! And learn something about grammar!  Not sure where to put your commas, if at all?  Not sure what a run-on sentence is and if you commit them?  Don’t know what a sentence looks like that you end a preposition with?  Then LOOK IT UP, PEOPLE!  Before you put yourself out there be sure you are delivering a quality product.

[eye roll]

Which leads me to the writing itself.  You can have lovely spelling and dainty little-finger-lifted grammar, but boring is boring is boring.  Is boring.  Seriously.  You would not BELIEVE the huge number of fucking abhorrent eye-bleeds of blogs that clutter up the wasteland that is teh innernets*.  Don’t be that.  Learn to write a sentence, a paragraph, that’s compelling.  One that makes people want to read the next one, and the next.

You can practice here.  And you can read this.  Don’t like those?  There are only a zillion other examples of really good writing out there.  Find some and study them.  Take bits and make them your own.  And practice.  Pretend you don’t know your story and are stumbling onto it for the first time.  Write for the person who doesn’t know you.  Or care.  Like me.

Make me care.

Oh, and for those who snivel, “I’m only writing for myself so it doesn’t matter!”, YOU LIE!!  If you were only writing for yourself then you’d be writing in some spiral-bound blank doodle book with pictures of uber-cute puppies cavorting all over the cover, making little circles over your lower-case i’s and stashing the whole thing under your bed so Mom won’t find out you that went to 3rd base already.  If you were only writing for yourself you wouldn’t be writing a fucking PUBLIC BLOG.  So stop lying to yourself.

3.  About Me

I love breaking rules, especially my own, but you need something somewhere that tells people Who.You.Are.  You need people to care.  But don’t do the whole TMI thing, please.  (Unless that’s your “thing.”  But only make it your “thing” if you’re really really sure you can pull it off.  Otherwise, steer clear of TMI.)

Think about who you are.  You’d think this’d be obvious, but there are tens of thousands of bloggers out there inflicting themselves on the world who have no fucking clue who they are.  And that’s okay in a cute bumbling self-explorative way, but … it gets old.  So allow for change, check in with yourself once in awhile, and show who you are becoming.

Write it down.  I totally go right for the About Me page every single time.  I want to know who I’m dealing with.  I read about the top three posts (unless they’re fucking novels, in which case I scroll down for the punch line and get out before the Tentacle of Blog Boredom slithers through the screen of my Macbook and pulls me in.  No way do I want to get sucked into somebody’s annals of banality), have a look at the blogroll to see who else they read, and then go right for About Me.  So make yours entertaining.  Make me want to comment.


Everybody knows its a sad sad blog post when the only comment is from Aunt Martha or BFF Jen/Jess/Heather.  Don’t be that.  A hallmark of a good blog is the quality of the comments.  Good bloggers foster a sense of community, or at least enough snark in their responses to make you want to check back and see what they said to yours. Good bloggers also write about stuff that’s interesting enough to generate interesting comments.  So make it easy.  I’l be judging you.

But what about you, Bitch?

Yeah.  What about me.

1.  Where do you live?

In a city of glass, where the homeless root through that day’s recycling.  And there’s wifi.  And sushi.

2.  What’s your real name?

Fuckmenow.  My porn name is Fifi LaBouche.

3.  Were you kidding about your shoe size?

Not at all.

4.  What makes you so special?

I’m little.  Yellow.  Different.

5.  Really?

Of course not.  I’m an anorexic Amazon.  But like I said before, I am like no one you know, and I am like everyone you know.  I just say it out loud.

*irony is in this year.

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Posted in Life | 24 Comments »

24 Responses to “Let’s get personal…”

  1. Seth Says:

    You are a cock tease!

    What is TMI?

  2. Writer Dad Says:

    I thought I was an okay writer, until I started reading blogs. Now I know better. I really liked that six sentences link. I’ll check it out this evening.

    Writer Dads last blog post..Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

  3. bitch Says:

    Seth: Too Much Information. No one really needs to know when you’re ovulating, for instance, unless you’re inviting the world to come to a really interesting party.

    Writer Dad: The thing is to develop a style that you can call your own. No one says that style can’t change. Find someone you really like and read their archives; unless they’re a robot, you’ll see changes along the way as they grow both personally and in writing. Another thing I should have mentioned mentioned is to write a LOT. Every day. About anything. Play with it. Have fun with it.

  4. Nat Says:

    Alright, so if I read this correctly — I am um… guilty of … umm, let me double check all four. Shit. I’m fucked. ;)

    I can’t remember what I said in the About page.

    On writing, as I write corporate crap all day, I decided that I would just write about whatever. Not every day because well, after shovel corporate crap all there ain’t much left. I think I may swear more in future. I’ve found some writers so good, I am afraid to comment. Ya know?

    Nats last blog post..Coffee

  5. Baroness von Bloggenschtern Says:

    How on EARTH did you ever land on my site? I’m the polar opposite to what you appear to be looking for.

    As for the lambasting, I already got my “Meh” badge from Ask and Ye Shall Receive.
    I get it.

    Thanks for dropping by – I look forward to reading some more of your work, Little Mr. Yellow Different Anorexic Amazon.

    Fifi LaBouche, my ass.

    Baroness von Bloggenschterns last blog post..Fasten Your Seatbelts

  6. bitch Says:

    Nat: Swearing is so cathartic! Highly recommended.

    Baroness: How could I NOT know about you? Oh, and yes you’ve outed me…Fifi LaBouche may *not* be my actual porn name.

  7. Suldog Says:

    If I do happen to guess where I know you from, will you fess up to it?

    Suldogs last blog post..Another Visit With Dorothy

  8. Suldog Says:

    And, that’s not my last blog post. I guess maybe CommentLuv ignores what it considers to be obscenity…

    Suldogs last blog post..Another Visit With Dorothy

  9. JBO Says:

    Have you stopped taking your Meds?

  10. Rodney Lewis Says:

    Hello NewAgeBitch;

    I personally think that once you’ve “figured out how life works” in its fullest sense you can’t exist in this physical world anymore, so please pardon me for cringing when I read that statement in your blog. “Figuring out how life works” is what it’s all about!

    Other than that yours is one for the blogroll. Thanks for your insightful yet refreshingly politically incorrect take on spiritual matters. Is your ability to compel the reader without pandering as effortless as it seems? Also, thanks for the common sense yet rarely followed set of rules on blogging, you articulate them very well. I hope I follow them.

    Your paragraph on those who claim to only write for themselves, fucking hilarious shit. At the same time, I must honestly write about what my heart drives me to, without “selling out” by considering too much if others “care.” I try to strike a balance between the two. To a great extent, I must be who I am, and let others take me or leave me as I am.

    I look over your postings and I really think you might have a unique, solid shtick going on here if you choose to continue with it and persist.

    Rodney Lewis

    Rodney Lewiss last blog post..Singing My Drug War Heartsong

  11. Andy @ bloginyourface Says:

    “…so Mom won’t find out you that went to 3rd base already…”

    Proofread your own fucking blog! You totally transposed YOU and THAT!

    You are a cock tease, but you are by far my favorite daily cock tease. Thanks for the tips on getting our blogs up to par for the Bitch stamp of approval! I need to get to work on my About page…God, I’m so fucking lame…

    Andy @ bloginyourfaces last blog post..Mini Blog#78 – Wow! What a place to work!

  12. bitch Says:

    Suldog: Can’t be *me.* Profanity is welcome here.

    JBO: I meditate 3 hours a day. You should see me when I don’t.

    Rodney: I am completely effortless, thanks for noticing!

    Andy: I put that there to test you. You passed. This time.

  13. Chica Says:

    Ok so I’m breaking one rule, sue me already! I fkn loved this post, I could have written it, although it wouldn’t be near as funny. I’m pretty sure I’ll be back, your blog is “A” okay. :)

  14. Jay Andrew Allen Says:

    Re: #2 – I’m all for instituting the death penalty for any and all that confuse “its” and “it’s.” That should clean up the blogosphere in a big fucking hurry.

    Jay Andrew Allens last blog post..Cindy McCain, Meet The Point. Point, Cindy McCain.

  15. bitch Says:

    Chica: What’s with the “pretty” sure??

    Jay: Or at least lopping off fingers, rendering them unable to type.

  16. Chica Says:

    It means I have a mile long list of blogs I read, and most get lost in the pile. I doubt yours will though.

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  19. Kool Aid Says:

    Can I at least admit that I write my blog for my family and friends that live in other states? It’s a whole lot easier than sending individual emails and making phone calls.

    Grams and Gramps want to know what’s happening with the little rugrats, too, you know.

    Kool Aids last blog post..It arrived!

  20. Kool Aid Says:

    I’d love to have you be a guest on my blog, but I just don’t fit in with your blog standards and I don’t like rejection so I just won’t ask.

    Although I did post earlier about stepping out of comfort zones, so maybe I should ask.

    Ok – deep breath – New Age Bitch, would you please do a guest post on my blog? I promise to be good. Wait, that’s not right. NAB, I promise to use more foul language? No, that’s not right, either. How about this: I promise to say something positive about myself instead of what a dork I am for posting this comment and trying to bribe you to come guest-post on my blog.

    Nope, can’t do it. I confess, NAB, you intimidate me too much to ask.

  21. Lydia Says:

    It’s kind of interesting the kind of people who blog. I mean… the psychology of people who think their opinions are important enough to put out there….. w/e
    you have good shit. interesting you hate myspace blogs. I mean god forbid.

    wtf is blogging a profession now

  22. bitch Says:

    Kool Aid: I used to want the grape flavor, or even cherry, but all we ever got was orange. I feel gypped. Yo, a guest post? You mentioned something about a bribe, right? You’re on, then.

    Lydia: We bloggers prefer to be known as “structurally-challenged multi-digited wordophobes,” but yeah, people like me make a living writing and stuff. Who knew?

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  24. AngieSS Says:

    Well hell, now I’m scared to leave a comment. I suddenly feel like I will be graded on my atrocious grammar and strange use of punctuation. Fuck, who am I kidding? I was never a conformist anyway!

    p.s. I’m really enjoying your blog. I will be returning on a regular basis to get my dose of the NAB.

    AngieSSs last blog post..I’ve Been Dubbed The Queen Of Snarky!

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