Positive thoughts are not just for assholes
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(Fuck, Bitch, where have you been?)
Well, have you looked here? That’s right, people, The Bitch does guest posts. Call me if you want things shaken up over at your place. Have a quick look at my blog standards first, just in case.
Okay, moving on here. We need to talk about something that’s been cluttering up the internets for far too long, taking up space that could be useful. You know what I’m talking about: self-deprecating humor.
The next time you laugh at, say, Amalah the Mommyblogger, ask yourself, “What the fuck am I laughing at? How is this shit funny?” Oh, sure, we laugh at people poking fun at themselves. And here’s why: Better them than me.
Sure, it’s easy to laugh at someone falling all over their ass or imagining that they were going to fall all over their ass and wondering what other people are thinking about them or would think if they actually did fall all over their ass, and then writing about it in a charmingly self-deprecatory way. That’s fucking funny, we think. Because it’s 1.) Not us, and 2.) Laughing at the stupid shit we do has become socially acceptable, and socially expected.
So when did it become passe to talk about ourselves in a positive way? To say things like, “Hey look, I am fucking-A awesome!” People who do that are thought of as assholes, even if they’re sort of right. (Or they’re worshiped, the way you worship The Bitch, but that’s WHY you love me. Because I am so different. Plus I’m totally hot.)
I’m tired of this fakery shit, though. Sure, people are capitalizing on their feelings of inner inadequacy by processing them in a highly public manner, and The Bitch is all about going public with inner shit, but this stuff feeds on itself and creates more. One person writing about the time they fell down a hill because their fucking heel broke but they had a glass of wine so people thought they were drunk off their ass and never believed the story about the breaking heel and OMG they are soooo embarrassed by this and can never never never show their face in public again (never mind all the hundreds of Flickr sets devoted to said blogger and blogger’s drunkblogging and drunkblogging blogfriends)* just creates this giant sucking VACUUM that other people rush in to fill. But people, you cannot possibly fill the void of someone else’s feeling of inadequacy by writing about your own. Just because this shit is popular does not mean it’s even remotely useful except as a global communal catharsis tool. And rushing in to fill that fucking vacuum only makes the holes in yourself appear bigger.
Instead, I want people to write about the great stuff they do. Everybody has successes; when did they become something to hide? Hey, you made toast this morning? WAY TO GO! YOU ARE AWESOME! At least, if it was superior toast. None of this bread-no-warmer-than-if-I-stuck-the-slice-under-my-arm shit. I want REAL toast. Toast-colored toast. THAT is something to be proud of.
And let’s take this a step further: don’t limit your anti-trash talk about yourself to what you put on the internet. Is it a crime to say “I am wonderful!” and actually mean it? I mean, who among you is truly NOT wonderful? Why can’t you just SAY IT, for fuck’s sake?
And sure, lots of us have this fucked-up inner voice inside us telling us how shitty we are. But that stuff is NOT TRUE, so you have my permission to stop listening to it, RIGHT NOW. In fact, every time you hear that voice, I want you to tell it to go fuck itself, that YOU are in charge, and that YOU MAKE AWESOME TOAST.
~~~~~
From the this-would-be-fucked-up-if-it-wasn’t-so-funny department, The Bitch received a death threat in response to her post about vigilante vegetarians. So if you laughed at that post, I have to assume you’re included in the threat. Watch out for people wielding fur coats and tomato stakes.
*This is a TOTALLY hypothetical blogstory, but if it wasn’t TOTALLY hypothetical you could probably read about something very similar to it here.
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September 24th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
My inner voice tells me I’m rad. I listen.
September 24th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I absolutely adore your writing style but I would never try to emulate it–probably why there’s more than one person on this planet.
So…
Want to judge my expression of my “wonderfullness”; want to critique something I’m proud of conceiving and juiced-up over accomplishing; and this after an eon of self-deprecation?
I’d be, literally, honored if you’d take a look: http://amzuri.wordpress.com/path-toward-peace/
~ Alex
Alexander M Zoltais last blog post..Path Toward Peace - Step Four
September 24th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
“I’m the best and I’ll thank you to remember that.” - harry vardon
September 24th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
You Rock, I Rock, my 13 year old daughter even rocks, and being as her friends say I’m awesome, I know it’s true.
Gotta love yourself before anyone else will! Lots of love to you, Bitch!
Chelles last blog post..What have you been up to?
September 25th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Writer Dad: “Rad”? I think I last heard that in 1986. Groovy.
The Zoltai: Yo, the path toward peace. Heavy shit, dude. It works. Can you send the memo to, like, a few billion people? Six or so would do.
ssgreylord: Harry Vardon is like DEAD! And wore knickerbockers! And is apparently the guy responsible for my bad golfing. Hey, Lincoln Town Car Guy! Sorry about that big golf-ball-sized dent in your hood!
Chelle: You got it. ESPECIALLY your 13-year-old daughter. Make sure she knows she rocks.
September 25th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
ok, you got me there. harry vardon is dead. very dead. but you can’t help but love the guy for his induction into the world golf hall of fame. (btw, didn’t take you for the golfing type).
September 25th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Glad I made the cut! Thanks again, Bitch.
Whits last blog post..Matthew and the Man Crush
September 25th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
ssgreylord: I keep thinking you’re like a big ship or something. Yeah, the golf: I’m full of surprises.
Whit: Any time you need someone to tell the REAL story about your blogging hiatuses, let me know. Have the elves come back yet?
September 26th, 2008 at 12:04 am
@Writer Dad: Rad? My inner voice is like the token black guy from Not Another Teen Movie. “That shit be wack, yo.”
@Bitch: Whenever one of my friends ask me why I’m doing something crazy…I usually respond with a “Because I’m Matthew-Fucking-Dryden.” and suddenly it all makes sense.
Matthew Drydens last blog post..Writing Here Makes Me Happy
September 26th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I’m an asshole, and I’m ok.
I fart all night and I belch all day.
September 26th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Matthew: Frankly, that’s the answer to most questions people might ask you.
Asshole: And apparently you’re also a Monty Python fan. But you’re good in the sack, right?
September 26th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
I think I like you. But you couldn’t be as awesome as me, but running a close 5th.
Kelleys last blog post..Be careful what you wish for.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
If you’re really so hot, why not post a pic? Put a paper bag over your head if you need to remain anonymous.
Chriss last blog post..Return of the Jedi: Five Questions with a Neigong Expert
September 28th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Great post, great style: you exude a hot and awesome vibe (kind of like a young version of me, but not when I was younger than 18). I don’t get into to self deprecation very much in cyberspace, it’s a full time job being verbally self-deprecating to those physically rather than virtually around me. However, now that you mention it, I do have an aura of frightening hyper-competence (you don’t even have to squint to see it).
Your comments do dredge up bad memories, though: the one time I wrote on the web about some outstanding work I did, and it was truly outstanding as judged by objective responses, I received comments so poisonous in their vitriol and invective that I ended up deleting the whole post. I’ve otherwise focused on the good, or bad, things that others do. I may still receive occasional negative feedback, but even a bad love is better than no love at all, or, it’s better to be noticed and trashed than never to be noticed at all, …
If you have a hankering to read something outstanding and brief, my review of Richard Ford’s “The Ultimate Good Luck” is something I’m very happy with.
In closing, I’m glad you don’t feel a need to hold back. My identity is not hidden, so this has the effect of keeping my more edgy or potentially offensive comments filtered out. Maybe I need a new secret identity so I can say what I really feel, four-letter words and all.
We rock!
September 29th, 2008 at 3:23 am
Wotcher. Just stumbled across your blog and I gotta say it made me chuckle. The post about the vegetarians had me in hysterics too.
Keep up the good work!
Rhyknows last blog post..“Your Daddy Kills Animals!”, yeah well your pamphlets kill braincells
September 30th, 2008 at 1:34 am
I have a shirt that says “You call me a BITCH like it’s a bad thing.” My inner voice says. “HELLYEAHHHHHHHH!”
The Countesss last blog post..Towered
September 30th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
I LOVE ME! But I fucking love YOU! Your posts rock and I am telling everyone I know to subscribe.
October 3rd, 2008 at 4:40 am
Positivity always brings an openness that expands all possibilities for our greater good, breaks barriers, dissolves illusion and allows harmony. We need it for life. Thank you for the opportunity to contemplate this.