This morning, a random selection from the NAB Mailbag:

Dear New Age Bitch,

I read that our thoughts create our reality. And I’m really starting to believe it! Last Christmas, the Friday before when all the malls were like PACKED I started picturing a parking space opening up right next to the shopping cart return at Wal-Mart, just like I wanted, and it really happened! A green Escalade pulled out just as I got there and there was my space. I felt so awesome and powerful. Like, totally in the flow. I could do anything.

But now I’m afraid. I mean, if our thoughts really turn into something real, what about the bad thoughts? I don’t know how many times I told everyone that I wished my ex-boyfriend’s dick would fall off. But now he wants to get back together, and of course I’ll take him back (hey, he was “just experimenting,” at least that’s what he said, and I know he’s not really gay), but what about sex? I’m afraid I used my powers on him. And I want babies some day with him, a brother for little Zooey (what? I’m not a skank — we were on a BREAK), and I would feel so … responsible if his dick fell off. Can you help?

Horny and Confused

~~~

Dear Horny,

Dude. Number one — there is no such thing as “experimenting.” Your boyfriend’s either gay or he’s bi, and you need to face facts that he’s in denial about it. Also that he likes dick. And if he lies about this he’ll lie about anything. You want a baby with him? Whoa.

But let’s talk about what the universe can and can’t do.

1. The Universe isn’t a god. Okay, so you’ve turned away from childhood Lutheranism or whatever and you’ve embraced the New Age. You take yoga classes, you wear patchouli, well la di fucking da. But don’t expect to transfer over all your ideas of some white-dude god guy sitting up in a cloud somewhere in a flowing robe, looking down on you and determining your fate like a bearded Simon Cowell. The Universe has a consciousness — everything has a consciousness, even the cells of your hairy ass — but it’s not bestowing good stuff and bad stuff according to what list of Santa’s you’re on this year. So get over it.

2. What is the Universe? Simply the accumulation of everything within it. That’s right, everything you can see, hear, touch, taste, smell, and imagine is a part of the Universe. As is everything anyone can see, hear, touch, taste, smell, and imagine.

3. The Universe has no “powers” of its own. Anything the Universe does — and again, get away from the thought that it’s a standalone entity making life hell for you (or bestowing you with stuff like nine nubile virgins) — is a result of the collective or individual efforts of any part of the Universe.

4. Your thoughts aren’t what you think. Okay, so you thought about your boyfriend’s dick falling off. But you’re not that powerful — in order to “create your reality,” you first have to believe it. I mean really believe it. And there’s a part of you that doesn’t believe people’s dicks fall off just because someone imagines it happening. If that were true, you’d all live in a cartoon world with people’s heads being lopped off and anvils and grand pianos falling from high windowsills.  [NOTE: if that is your reality, please see me after class.]

5. Your thoughts are actually your core beliefs. It’s your inner core beliefs that actually create your reality. Say you’re imagining yourself with a million dollars. Fine. But if there’s a conflicting core belief, that for instance you have to pay a steep price for getting anything good in your life, then guess what? Either you’ll get that million dollars — and lose something really important to you at the same time — or (more likely), you’ll prevent yourself from having that million dollars at all, because you don’t believe it’s possible.

What about the parking space? Stuff like that is low risk. You can create parking spaces, turn red lights green, and little stuff like that all day because 1. there are no conflicting core beliefs and 2. it’s small stuff. Low risk. But manifesting a sparkly unicorn in your back yard? That would take undoing your beliefs that 1. unicorns don’t exist and 2. you can’t manifest animals or anything beyond a fucking Wal-Mart parking space.

My advice on creating your reality?

Sure, you can create stuff like cancer in yourself. People do it every day. But there’s no use obsessing over it. Instead, explore the core beliefs that you have. Like that bad stuff happens to you. Or that you’re not in control of your body. Or maybe that you just need a good rest. All those core beliefs can result in cancer — you just have to decide what you believe.

You can also make good stuff happen. People do this all the time, too. But they’ve examined and let go of conflicting core beliefs. Try this: think about something good that you want. Maybe it’s a house. And then start looking at everything that’s connected to that thought of having a house. Maybe you want to recreate your childhood home. Maybe you want to prove to your family that you’re not a deadbeat. Maybe you’re afraid of abandonment and figure that a big solid thing like a house can’t abandon you. Whatever it is, take it out and look at it. Otherwise you’re just spinning your wheels.

But STOP thinking things like, “The Universe wants me to learn this lesson.” The fucking Universe couldn’t care shit about your lessons. You do. You are creating your reality. Figure out what it is you really want and life gets much much easier.

We all have a friend like this. You know the one. Ditsy, big watery eyes, forever gazing up at the sky and sighing with apparent lack of brain function. And then looking at you earnestly, telling you that in order to be happy, you have to forgive yourself.

Excuse me? And WTF?

Forgive MYSELF? Dude. You don’t know who you’re dealing with here.

I have forever banned from my inbox one such chirpy optimist who sends out delightful email missives all too frequently, each one containing nuggets like, “As we bring our fears to the Light, to Source, fear cannot be sustained and it dissolves in the intensity of Love.”

Gag.

And this chirpy optimist (hey, nothing wrong with optimism — I practice it every time I exhale, trusting that I’m going to breathe in again) chirps about the beauty of forgiveness. As if this forgiveness is a magical state of enlightenment that we must all strive to attain.

Oh. That’s what you thought forgiveness was too, isn’t it? Something magical. That will solve all your problems.

Well, get over it. It’s not.

Forgiveness, simply put, is the act of releasing an energetic hold placed on another. This energetic hold arises when you look outside yourself for the source of pain or discomfort you feel inside. In other words, it starts with blame.

Hoo hah.

Oh, I forgot. You’re really good at blame.

In fact, 50% of you are really really good at blaming yourselves. For everything. And everything receives the same amount of blame. Burn the toast? “Oh, how horrible, my toastmaking skills suck, I FAIL!”  Encounter a red light on the way to work? “OMG I suck at driving, I’m going to be late, I should have taken a different street, I FAIL!” You’re a brain surgeon and you lose a patient? “I SUCK! I don’t have brains in my fingers! I should have been an electrician! I FAIL!”

And while that’s entertaining — watching people self-flagellate and cry Glenn Beck-style Vicks Vaporub-enhanced crocodile tears while tearing out their hair and gouging their eyes out with a spork — it’s nowhere near as fun as what the other 50% of you do, which I call The Dance of Blame. Burn the toast? “You SUCK! Why’d you buy this toaster anyhow! What a stupid toaster! Who the fuck wants toast anyhow!” Red light on the way to work? “STUPID LIGHT! Hey! Fuckhead! Yeah, you! If you actually drove the fucking SPEED LIMIT we would not all be here waiting at this fucking LIGHT!” Failed brain surgeon? “STUPID FUCK! He just HAD to go in for fucking surgery, the asshole, and then STOP BREATHING on my table! HOW DARE HE DIE! Doesn’t deserve to live!”

And while blame can be really really entertaining (a national pastime, really), let’s not forget it’s just one piece of this forgiveness bullshit. That’s right, in order to “forgive” yourself you first have to go into Blame Mode and get all weepy and berate yourself for not taking enough Me Time.

Ew. That just feels crappy, doesn’t it?

And in order to forgive OTHERS — well, seriously, why would you want to? If you’re a blame-everyone-else kind of person, then releasing your hold on that blame isn’t going to be easy. You LIKE blaming. It’s part of the empty shell of identity you’ve crafted around yourself. Think you’ll give that up easily, just because some New Age shithead tells you that you won’t be happy until you forgive everyone on a very long list of people you’ve ever known? Hardly.

So now what?

The Bitch has the answer.

To start off, own your shit.

That’s right, own it. You’re a blamer? Do it loud and proud. But don’t take yourself too seriously, because everyone around you knows you’re full of shit. Blame yourself continually? Then go over the top with it. “OH MY GOD THE TOAST IS BURNED! MY LIFE IS OVER! KILL ME NOW!” People will also know you’re full of shit and begin to ignore you, as they should, instead of rushing to your aid. Owning your self-blame is actually more difficult than owning your blaming of others, because socially, we reward self-blamers. But get over it and just be dramatic. Enjoy it.

Next step. After you totally own your blame, ask yourself this question:

Can I, at least for right now, let go of this stupid-ass grudge I’ve been holding for the past 8 years and pretend it never happened? Just for now?

If the answer in your head comes back “Yes,” then do it. Let it go. You’re not obligating yourself to forever. It’s just for that moment.

If the answer in your head comes back “No,” ask it why the fuck not! Ask it why you’re insisting on being a total douche, and remind that fucking voice that we’re talking about just for a moment — a nanosecond — and what the fuck is so scary about that? And then challenge that fucking voice to a face fish-slapping duel if it won’t listen and fucking let go for like a SECOND.

And forget about forgiving. And get on with your life.