The Universe is not your bitch, yo
This morning, a random selection from the NAB Mailbag:
Dear New Age Bitch,
I read that our thoughts create our reality. And I’m really starting to believe it! Last Christmas, the Friday before when all the malls were like PACKED I started picturing a parking space opening up right next to the shopping cart return at Wal-Mart, just like I wanted, and it really happened! A green Escalade pulled out just as I got there and there was my space. I felt so awesome and powerful. Like, totally in the flow. I could do anything.
But now I’m afraid. I mean, if our thoughts really turn into something real, what about the bad thoughts? I don’t know how many times I told everyone that I wished my ex-boyfriend’s dick would fall off. But now he wants to get back together, and of course I’ll take him back (hey, he was “just experimenting,” at least that’s what he said, and I know he’s not really gay), but what about sex? I’m afraid I used my powers on him. And I want babies some day with him, a brother for little Zooey (what? I’m not a skank — we were on a BREAK), and I would feel so … responsible if his dick fell off. Can you help?
Horny and Confused
~~~
Dear Horny,
Dude. Number one — there is no such thing as “experimenting.” Your boyfriend’s either gay or he’s bi, and you need to face facts that he’s in denial about it. Also that he likes dick. And if he lies about this he’ll lie about anything. You want a baby with him? Whoa.
But let’s talk about what the universe can and can’t do.
1. The Universe isn’t a god. Okay, so you’ve turned away from childhood Lutheranism or whatever and you’ve embraced the New Age. You take yoga classes, you wear patchouli, well la di fucking da. But don’t expect to transfer over all your ideas of some white-dude god guy sitting up in a cloud somewhere in a flowing robe, looking down on you and determining your fate like a bearded Simon Cowell. The Universe has a consciousness — everything has a consciousness, even the cells of your hairy ass — but it’s not bestowing good stuff and bad stuff according to what list of Santa’s you’re on this year. So get over it.
2. What is the Universe? Simply the accumulation of everything within it. That’s right, everything you can see, hear, touch, taste, smell, and imagine is a part of the Universe. As is everything anyone can see, hear, touch, taste, smell, and imagine.
3. The Universe has no “powers” of its own. Anything the Universe does — and again, get away from the thought that it’s a standalone entity making life hell for you (or bestowing you with stuff like nine nubile virgins) — is a result of the collective or individual efforts of any part of the Universe.
4. Your thoughts aren’t what you think. Okay, so you thought about your boyfriend’s dick falling off. But you’re not that powerful — in order to “create your reality,” you first have to believe it. I mean really believe it. And there’s a part of you that doesn’t believe people’s dicks fall off just because someone imagines it happening. If that were true, you’d all live in a cartoon world with people’s heads being lopped off and anvils and grand pianos falling from high windowsills. [NOTE: if that is your reality, please see me after class.]
5. Your thoughts are actually your core beliefs. It’s your inner core beliefs that actually create your reality. Say you’re imagining yourself with a million dollars. Fine. But if there’s a conflicting core belief, that for instance you have to pay a steep price for getting anything good in your life, then guess what? Either you’ll get that million dollars — and lose something really important to you at the same time — or (more likely), you’ll prevent yourself from having that million dollars at all, because you don’t believe it’s possible.
What about the parking space? Stuff like that is low risk. You can create parking spaces, turn red lights green, and little stuff like that all day because 1. there are no conflicting core beliefs and 2. it’s small stuff. Low risk. But manifesting a sparkly unicorn in your back yard? That would take undoing your beliefs that 1. unicorns don’t exist and 2. you can’t manifest animals or anything beyond a fucking Wal-Mart parking space.
My advice on creating your reality?
Sure, you can create stuff like cancer in yourself. People do it every day. But there’s no use obsessing over it. Instead, explore the core beliefs that you have. Like that bad stuff happens to you. Or that you’re not in control of your body. Or maybe that you just need a good rest. All those core beliefs can result in cancer — you just have to decide what you believe.
You can also make good stuff happen. People do this all the time, too. But they’ve examined and let go of conflicting core beliefs. Try this: think about something good that you want. Maybe it’s a house. And then start looking at everything that’s connected to that thought of having a house. Maybe you want to recreate your childhood home. Maybe you want to prove to your family that you’re not a deadbeat. Maybe you’re afraid of abandonment and figure that a big solid thing like a house can’t abandon you. Whatever it is, take it out and look at it. Otherwise you’re just spinning your wheels.
But STOP thinking things like, “The Universe wants me to learn this lesson.” The fucking Universe couldn’t care shit about your lessons. You do. You are creating your reality. Figure out what it is you really want and life gets much much easier.
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October 9th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
What, no unicorns? WTF?
I just shouted out to my Crackbook peeps about your bitchiness. Gotta share the NAB wisdom with the minions. They need you.
Word and Yo to your mamma!
Christa´s last blog ..The Giggle Peace Prize
October 9th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
NAB wisdom is spreading like wildfire. Also unicorns.
October 9th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Bah… for some reason I thought the “New Age” part is meant as some sort of a parody and not a serious belief. Well, anyway, you still write some interesting posts.
Bottom line is.. I don’t believe it. You manifest your thoughts and through them you can manifest your emotions and through all of that you can manifest your actions and through them you can manifest some consequences. But that you can manifest just about anything you believe in strong enough regardless of there being a causal relationship between your thoughts, actions and that event.. I don’t believe it.
I mean, my thoughts create something only because they make me act to create it, not by themselves. It’s not like the electrical patterns that are my thoughts somehow swoosh out of my head and materialize something in front of my eyes, or for that matter anywhere else in the universe, like something coming out of a replicator in Star Trek. And if you claim it does well I’d like a scientific explanation that’s better than what comes down to “Universe works in mysterious ways, and we’ll figure it out some day”.
I guess you subscribe to “The Secret” stuff?
Anyway, interestingly it’s easy to agree with you when you speak of thoughts changing reality in general. We just disagree on the extent to which they can have this power and the method, I suppose.
Regards
Daniel Memenode´s last blog ..How can you be yourself without an ego?
October 9th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Daniel, it’s a parody. You weren’t wrong. And just because I think something is possible, theoretically, doesn’t mean I think it’s likely. Draw whatever conclusion you wish to thoughts and actions — isn’t everything connected anyhow? Feels like we’re slicing semantic bread here. I promise you we’re om the same page.
October 10th, 2009 at 11:56 am
i still think one of the easiest way to slice this universal thinking toast (milque, organic sprouted wheat and otherwise) is that “where attention goes, stuff flows”. if i’m looking for a parking spot with an open mind (and perhaps heart), i’m going to notice it more likely than when my mind is busy bitching about how few parking spots there are. there are way more opportunities for us out there than we like to think with our closed and closeted minds; paying attention to these opportunities can look like causation but it ain’t. paying attention leads to seeing more leads to – hopefully – taking right action.
yes, there may also be some mysterious-looking connections between thoughts and events but why trouble ourselves with them when we’re still on step 2 of 1,458 of learning how to pay attention?
isabella mori´s last blog ..blog action day
October 14th, 2009 at 10:35 am
I’m with you on the Universe not really caring whether you do one thing or another. I see the Universe as energy, neutral energy. We have total freedom to create, and yes it does come down to what we are each able to have.
I am over people saying “whatever the Universe has in store for me”, usually with an unconscious faraway look in their eyes. My answer is usually, “well, what do you WANT?’. I see people giving up their own power to this mysterious force out there all the time, and am in agreement completely with you regarding the Universe not being some big daddy or mommy looking over everyone, rewarding or damning as she/he sees fit. This is one reason why we had the Bush administration for far too long; everyone wanted Daddy and Mommy to take care of things and fix them. Even if he was a Bad Dysfunctional Daddy. We all get to wake up and realize what treasure we each have within us, and stop putting it out there on something else.
Thanks for allowing me to rant, NAB. Your blog is great!
January 4th, 2010 at 12:04 am
“Whatever it is, take it out and look at it. Otherwise you’re just spinning your wheels.” — That is some great advice right there, and I know you weren’t implying turning red lights green is low risk if you do that all day but I did chuckle just saying. 2 that point tho playa playa:
1. Some people like to piss on the universe and other peeps’ time, I know of few of them cause’ they can be jokes if it ain’t your universe or you got that umbrella so to speak, but
2. I am almost positive a male variation of (1) wrote that NAB email, you probably picked up on it but I am just saying. Sign out is a dead giveaway, as is the “…” before italicized responsible. A sincere person dumb enough to believe that shit wouldn’t be looking for words at that point. Haters be hatin’ while we cakin’ no issues with it, but
Really I just wanna know what new age is. I would bet dollars there’s a wikipedia page on “New Age” that draws on some high school teacher author’s BA and links to various wiki descriptions of yoga types and positions but I thought you might know what’s really good with it. Also I apologize if the yoga bit is ignorant, I wish I was patient enough to do any stretching to relax. If I stretch it’s pre-hockey pre-rugby or pre-skateboarding so I can get better and either hurt athletes or skate spots until a security guard comes along I can hurt with my roundhouse.
BYAHH!
January 4th, 2010 at 11:36 am
Kris, I love you.
Dill, “New Age” is a catchall term created to help people feel better about the confusion of the world they live in. I’d say more but I’ll save it for a blog post, because who better to explain what “new age” really is than me?
January 28th, 2010 at 9:17 am
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