How to lose 10 pounds, quick!

As a spiritual practitioner, I get all kinds of clients. (You might say it takes all kinds, but that’s beside the point.) for the most part these are people who have begun to make thoughtful choices in their lives, and who are looking to consult a higher perspective in order to get the tools with which to make increasingly conscious choices in the future.

Fine.

Those people don’t suck.

Nor do they really need my help, much. They’re looking for a nudge and that’s what they get, a nice big hearty nudge that sends them off in the direction they want to go.

I love those people.

Then there are the Fix Mes. Whatever the problem, whether it’s Mommy Issues or Daddy Issues or body issues or self-flagellation issues, or if they just haven’t been laid in three years, these are the people who Just Want to Be Fixed.

NOW.

FIX ME NOW. Their puppy eyes gaze back at me over my crystal ball. FIX ME NOW. PLEASE.

The thing is, most of us want to be fixed. And now. Fix. Me. Now.

The other thing is, it’s not that simple.

I knew there was a catch! Dammit Bitch. What do I have to do, anyway? Work for it? I have to work for it don’t I? It takes 7 years? Fine, I’ll wait. 7 years. Just fix me now, willya? Just a little? Pretty please?

Yeah, well, no. It doesn’t work that way.

It’s not that healing doesn’t take work, because it often does. It doesn’t have to, but most of you love self-inflicted pain, so off you go making things harder for yourself than you have to.

But the main problem is that when you offer your tender white throat up on the sacrificial block to be fixed by whatever high priestess you desire (and I look smashing in high priestess garb), you GIVE YOUR FREAKING POWER AWAY.

And how many times have we talked about that?

When you start thinking of yourself as

a) broken, and

b) incapable of fixing yourself, you end up becoming

c) fucked,

because there is nothing anyone else can do TO YOU that you cannot already do for yourself.

BROKEN + HELPLESS = FUCKED

The Quick Fix, i.e. Lose Ten Pounds in 3 Days! does not exist. Whatever “fix” you receive from another person is like crack. You know about Workshop Junkies, don’t you? People who adore going to spiritual or self-help or motivational workshops? They zoom into all that collective juice and come away thinking they are going to CHANGE and BE HEALED and TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, but then a few days or a couple of weeks go by and things look about the same. The sky is gray and dull again and lines are long and traffic is slow and there’s never any parking. And people suck and hell, THINGS DIDN’T CHANGE WTF? And then they sign up for another workshop so they can CHANGE and BE HEALED.

Is that what you want?

I’m not saying that the alternative is all about crying and tantrums and painful childhood revelations. It doesn’t have to be.

But when you stop asking to be fixed, you stop thinking of yourself as broken.

And when you stop thinking of yourself as broken, stuff magically heals.

So put that in your 2010 pipe and take a deep deep drag. Smoke me, baby. You’re hot and you’re not broken.

(Oh, hey, and that 10 pounds? Stop treating yourself like a fat person and they’ll go away, too.)

Related posts:

1. Return of The Bitch
2. Forgiveness is bullshit.