Dear New Age Bitch: On Meditation and Enlightenment
Hey everybody, it’s time again to dig deep into the NAB mailbag, grubbing around in the psyches of the psychos sickos cherished readers who write me (hey! where’s YOUR letter, huh?), and coming out smelling clean.
I meditate 4 hours a day, every day. I get up at 5 am so I can meditate for 2 hours before work, then I make sure I get home in time to meditate another 2 hours, every day. Why am I not enlightened? And why am I not getting girlfriends? Signed, Buddhist, Long and Hard
Dear BLAH,
Dude. It’s not quantity but quality that counts (not the same as “size doesn’t matter,” but we’ll get to that later). You’re spending four hours every day meditating? Shit man, if you were any good at it, you’d be levitating by now. But no. You have expectations. And those will kill you every time.
You want enlightenment? Do you even know what it is? Sad to say, most meditators and New Age crystal-sniffers haven’t a clue. It’s something about transcending one’s body, they think. Ascension. Being one with the … something-that-sounds-deep-and-wise.
That’s bleh, BLAH. Also it’s crap.
We are not here to figure out a way to be not-here. In other words, we don’t go through all the crap of living in a body (have you thought about some of the mechanics here? Pooping, for instance? Whoever came up with that had a bitching sense of humor) just to figure out a way to not need that body anymore. Nope, we are “here” — in these ridonkulous bodies living on this awesome planet — to figure out how to really love being “here.”
And you can’t get that from sitting with your legs all twisted into a pretzel.
Enlightenment comes through LIVING, BLAH. Living and eating ripe mangoes and smelling fresh-baked bread and making people smile and fucking up. And fucking, period. Living is a way to love living. Also you will be having a lot more sex if you’re not om-ing all day sitting on a fucking pillow sniffing incense.
Go out into the world, BLAH. Hang out where people are (not like a stalker, but like a fellow human.). Take regular showers. Wear something that’s not a World of Warcraft t-shirt.
Get a life.
Love, Bitch
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January 25th, 2010 at 3:21 pm
Good Stuff – Not that you give a shit – but good stuff anyway! Love your interpetation of the world! Good Stuff!
January 27th, 2010 at 5:21 pm
Great advice – LOL! Don’t know if I would have been as blunt but you are right – we all have a lot of living (and loving) to do!
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January 27th, 2010 at 10:13 pm
oh. my.
This is awesome. Everything I’ve always wanted in a personal development, self-help kinda thing…
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February 25th, 2010 at 11:53 pm
Hmmm… That’s pretty good advise. I agree with the bit about the hilarity of our bodies. I also agree that this person that wrote to you is trying too hard.
I would start by telling this person that enlightenment is not what they are looking for; that they are looking for something else in their lives. Enlightenment is the feeling they have when they realize what it is they are actually seeking.
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March 13th, 2010 at 2:35 am
If you have to ask whether meditation is worthwhile…
UR DOING IT WRONG. LULZ!!
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June 26th, 2010 at 12:48 am
You don’t write enough posts, Bitch. More bitchiness! Unless, of course, you aren’t a serious bitch.
So anyway, even if you do reach high levels of consciousness it wreaks havoc on your life because no one else gets it and no one gives a sh-t about your insights. Meanwhile, you’re carrying a mega-load of cosmic energy that cannot always comfortably fit on this planet, so you get ungrounded or BITCHY. Then, you end up trying to make a career out of bringing spirituality to the planet because you think that’s what you’re supposed to do. Guess how well that goes? Scrubbing toilets is more lucrative.
As far as meditating for four hours goes, forget it mate. You’re over doing it. Go have a beer or coffee, whatever does it for you. That can be just as enlightening. And another thing: do not let the other types of new age bitches out there make you feel like you aren’t spiritual enough. They just feed themselves off that energy.
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