You know her by sight.

She’s the woman who walks confidently up to the head of the line you’ve been standing in for five minutes, speaks quietly to the person in charge, and walks away smiling.  She got what she wanted.  She also got what you wanted, only you didn’t speak up.  Pussy.

She’s aggressive.  And I mean that in a good way.

Aggression is simply the ability to come right up against boundaries, meeting them, time and time again.  You know people like this.  You may also be able to reproduce it yourself on occasion.  But why not all the time?

It’s the dreaded “nice” thing, isn’t it?

Yeah, well, it’s too bad that “nice” also equals “doormat.”

(To be clear, we’re not talking about kindness here.  Being an aggressive bitch is not incompatible with being kind.)

You want to be that person, the one who gets what she wants?  (or he, either way)  Follow these simple steps:

1.  Get clear on what you want. This may be the most difficult part.  After all, to be clear about what you want takes some doing.  Some insight.  Some self-awareness.  And you have to put aside those inner fuck-you-over Voices Of Doubt.  But once you do all that, what remains is, simply, what you want.

Oh.  One thing about this.  Understand that what you want is subject to change.  And it’s OKAY that it changes.  Expecting yourself to remain perfectly constant at all times for now and forever into the future is like dooming yourself to robothood.  And we don’t want that.  We like you all soft and pliable.  So do allow for some change.

2.  Say what you want. Go ahead.  You can practice right now.  Yes, out loud!  It really only counts if you do it out loud.  Tell someone, anyone, your naked self in the mirror even, what you want. And let it be wild, if that’s what you want.  Like kink?  Then fucking say so!  But say it.  Say what you want.  You’ll never, EVER, get it unless you do.  Sure, I can read your mind (and I know what you’re thinking RIGHT NOW, perv) but no one else does.  So unless you want to put you life on hold until you’ve surrounded yourself with a bunch of fucking mind readers, say it.  Say.  It.

3.  Expect what you want to be handed to you. If you don’t truly believe you’ll get what you want then you’re sending out mixed messages.  Make your message crystal clear:  THIS is what I want and I am SAYING what I want and I EXPECT it now bitch!

Truly expect it, though.  Which means you may have to examine those underlying thought-patterns and identities that are preventing you from getting what you want.  But when you hold yourself with perfect confidence, the world responds!  Things fall into your lap.

See how easy it is?  You’ve probably already done this at least one time in your life, noted how great it felt … and then fell back into that doormat trap again.  Well, get your head out of your ass and get the fuck out of there!  Check out the boundaries you sense around you and push back at them a little!  And above all, have FUN with it.  Life doesn’t need to be so fucking serious all the time. 

If you’re not having fun, you’re not doing it right.

Here at New Age Bitch it’s a policy to never keep things inside that are chafing.  No, we let them out.  Alllll the way out.  It’s a proven fact that holding things in creates problems and discomfort.  Holding things in leads to an eventual eruption.  Hold something in that’s longing to come out long enough and you end up with a messy premature ejaculation of emotion.

People do this all the time.  You do it too, I can tell.  You hold things in.  You keep what you think inside you, what you feel, what you believe.  You wait for the right time, or to be around the right person, or to find the right moment.  You hold things in because you’ve been trained from infancy to do this.  Crying only works when you’re in diapers, and most of you aren’t hardcore enough to pee yourself and sit in your own shit all day just so you can tell it like it is when you feel like it.  You’re such a sucker.  There’s never gonna be a right time, a right person, or a right moment.  You have to take life by the balls and make it yourself.

But what about tact?  Social niceties?  Can you really expect to be able to say everything you think at a given time simply because it’s there inside you and New Age Bitch says let it out?

Actually, yes.

Do you really want to go around for the rest of your life holding in all that stuff that’s eating away at your insides?  Wouldn’t you rather get it out and be done with it?

Don’t answer that.  If you haven’t left to go buy yourself a jumbo box of Depends (and you know who you are…and soon we’ll know too), you’re still with me.  And you’re nodding your head yes.

(Isn’t it cool—in a creepy way—how I can see through your screen like that?)

There’s one easy way.  You like it the easy way; I know you.  You want self-awareness, but you also want someone to tell you who you are.  Okay, I’m fine with irony.  Whatever.

Scream.

That’s it.  Scream.  Good, long, and hard.

(Yes, we’re still talking about screaming.  Unless you’re the one who went out to buy Depends, in which case I can’t help you change.  Literally.)

Really.  Scream!  Right now!  Go ahead.  Take a good deep breath, lift your head a bit, and let one out.

There.  Didn’t that feel good?  Now do this every day.  Maybe ten times a day if you’re holding in a lot of shit, which you probably are.  Most of us are pretty fucked up in that department.

Want to cry now?  You’re not alone.  Letting out what’s been pent-up for so long brings up other buried emotions too.  So go the fuck ahead and cry.  I’ll mock you, but so what?  In ten minutes you’ll be feeling so much better that you won’t care.  In ten minutes, after some good hard screams and that cry, you’ll feel lighter.  Cleaner.  More like yourself.

I dare you to try it.

What have you got to lose?

Because you can believe anything you find in print these days, you probably already know this, but there’s been an actual outcry to bring back The Bitch.

Why, thank you!  But I’ve never left, people.

Neither have a whole lot of other bitches.  You can probably think of at least one right now.

Being a bitch is more about acknowledging your own perfection in whatever state you happen to be in than it is about backbiting and catfights.  I’ve never gone in for that stuff myself; I’d much rather have it out in a public fair fight than hang out in virtual backrooms and alleys.  Being a bitch means knowing yourself and being completely okay with that.  Being a bitch means calling people on their shit, even if that person sometimes is yourself.  Being a bitch means telling it like it is.  Not to hurt feelings, but realizing that sometimes people’s feelings do get hurt and it’s far worse to hold your breath and walk around on eggshells and sit on something unspoken but obvious than it is to just let it out and let the chips fall around your cankles.

So how can you let out your own Inner Bitch?  I’m here to help, people, here to help.

1. Get clear on who you are.  The rest pretty much follows from there.
2. Stop judging.  Yourself, other people, whatever.  Just stop.  Now.  Life is too fucking short for that shit.
3. Take a deep breath and hold your head up a little higher.  I swear this works.  Trust me.  Plus it’s what gets Dooce through the day (that and a good stiff handful of meds, and blogging, and a bunch of stuff.  Being Dooce is complicated).
4. Just say it.  You know you want to.  Whatever it is you’ve been holding in, it’s time to let it go.  Now.
5. At least once a day, utter this sacred mantra loud and proud:  “WHAT THE FUCK!”

There.  Again I’ve done my duty by you.  Now go forth and multiply!