Dear New Age Bitch: On Meditation and Enlightenment

Hey everybody, it’s time again to dig deep into the NAB mailbag, grubbing around in the psyches of the psychos sickos cherished readers who write me (hey! where’s YOUR letter, huh?), and coming out smelling clean.

I meditate 4 hours a day, every day.  I get up at 5 am so I can meditate for 2 hours before work, then I make sure I get home in time to meditate another 2 hours, every day.  Why am I not enlightened?  And why am I not getting girlfriends? Signed, Buddhist, Long and Hard

Dear BLAH,

Dude. It’s not quantity but quality that counts (not the same as “size doesn’t matter,” but we’ll get to that later). You’re spending four hours every day meditating? Shit man, if you were any good at it, you’d be levitating by now. But no. You have expectations. And those will kill you every time.

You want enlightenment? Do you even know what it is? Sad to say, most meditators and New Age crystal-sniffers haven’t a clue. It’s something about transcending one’s body, they think. Ascension. Being one with the … something-that-sounds-deep-and-wise.

That’s bleh, BLAH. Also it’s crap.

We are not here to figure out a way to be not-here. In other words, we don’t go through all the crap of living in a body (have you thought about some of the mechanics here? Pooping, for instance? Whoever came up with that had a bitching sense of humor) just to figure out a way to not need that body anymore. Nope, we are “here” — in these ridonkulous bodies living on this awesome planet — to figure out how to really love being “here.”

And you can’t get that from sitting with your legs all twisted into a pretzel.

Enlightenment comes through LIVING, BLAH. Living and eating ripe mangoes and smelling fresh-baked bread and making people smile and fucking up. And fucking, period. Living is a way to love living. Also you will be having a lot more sex if you’re not om-ing all day sitting on a fucking pillow sniffing incense.

Go out into the world, BLAH. Hang out where people are (not like a stalker, but like a fellow human.). Take regular showers. Wear something that’s not a World of Warcraft t-shirt.

Get a life.

Love, Bitch